It’s never relevant until it’s happening to you. When it happens, it’s hard to understand how to feel and react. This sort of thing happens to people all the time. I have seen several of my friends deal with this. Now that it is pertinent to my life, I am contemplating how to deal.
The way I received the news was not ideal. Facebook, it’s the root of all evil. A status posted led to me requesting more information. The information I obtained leaves me scarred.
My reaction? I have yet to have one. School has clogged me with so much to do. My schedule always has me on the go. I stick to my schedule, and if it’s not in my calendar it’s not a part of my day. This reality contributes to the reason why I have yet to deal. I have not “penciled in” time in my day to confront this reality. It does not come across my mind until right before my brain slips into that nocturnal state.
How will I react? Will I cry randomly in the middle of class? Will I take it out on my friends? Will I become violent? I honestly don’t know. Right now, I am dealing through writing.
The reality? I am not equipped with the mental capacity to deal with the fact that a very significant person in my life could be gone in the future. The worse reality? I am saying goodbye too soon. It’s like everyone around me is like “oh have faith, anything can happen” and I’m like…”except for this happens all the time…and all the time people say have faith…and then…..” I mean I know I serve a God who can do all things, but….but …I guess there should be no “buts.”
The funny thing about writing is that as I write, I solve problems within myself. I speak to myself and unlock realities that I did not know were there. I write how I speak. As I write, I realize the complexity of my thoughts, as they are transcribed into writing, often gets obscured.
I need to believe. Simply put. I need to believe, not for my sake, but for the sake of my loved ones. For the sake of the many who are plagued by the same horrible fate, the same treacherous demon that millions fall victim to every year. I need to have faith.
I know what I need to do…but the fact remains that it is not a reality. I need to have faith but at this point…I do not. And that is the bold truth that haunts me as I go to sleep every night. The fact that I go to bed believing that when I wake up in the morning…she will no longer be here. And that is the reality I have faith in. And that is the reality that eats me alive. That is the reality I am running from. That is the reality I do not have the courage to speak about. I am 2tired2talk. I am too weak to confront my flawed faith.
Friends, family, random visitors of my blog, I need prayer. I need warriors to pray for my strength as I go through my matriculation at Howard University. It is so easy to become victim to the system. The routine is so mundane that I forget my purpose. I forget my God. I forget. Keep me in your prayers. Keep those like me in your prayers.
Realize while you pray that I am completely aware of what I SHOULD be doing. Know that I am battling a demon bigger than that. It’s all fine and dandy until the demon comes to your front door and asks to come in. You have all the answers until your faith is truly put to the test…and you fail. Like, how do I overcome this?
The way I received the news was not ideal. Facebook, it’s the root of all evil. A status posted led to me requesting more information. The information I obtained leaves me scarred.
My reaction? I have yet to have one. School has clogged me with so much to do. My schedule always has me on the go. I stick to my schedule, and if it’s not in my calendar it’s not a part of my day. This reality contributes to the reason why I have yet to deal. I have not “penciled in” time in my day to confront this reality. It does not come across my mind until right before my brain slips into that nocturnal state.
How will I react? Will I cry randomly in the middle of class? Will I take it out on my friends? Will I become violent? I honestly don’t know. Right now, I am dealing through writing.
The reality? I am not equipped with the mental capacity to deal with the fact that a very significant person in my life could be gone in the future. The worse reality? I am saying goodbye too soon. It’s like everyone around me is like “oh have faith, anything can happen” and I’m like…”except for this happens all the time…and all the time people say have faith…and then…..” I mean I know I serve a God who can do all things, but….but …I guess there should be no “buts.”
The funny thing about writing is that as I write, I solve problems within myself. I speak to myself and unlock realities that I did not know were there. I write how I speak. As I write, I realize the complexity of my thoughts, as they are transcribed into writing, often gets obscured.
I need to believe. Simply put. I need to believe, not for my sake, but for the sake of my loved ones. For the sake of the many who are plagued by the same horrible fate, the same treacherous demon that millions fall victim to every year. I need to have faith.
I know what I need to do…but the fact remains that it is not a reality. I need to have faith but at this point…I do not. And that is the bold truth that haunts me as I go to sleep every night. The fact that I go to bed believing that when I wake up in the morning…she will no longer be here. And that is the reality I have faith in. And that is the reality that eats me alive. That is the reality I am running from. That is the reality I do not have the courage to speak about. I am 2tired2talk. I am too weak to confront my flawed faith.
Friends, family, random visitors of my blog, I need prayer. I need warriors to pray for my strength as I go through my matriculation at Howard University. It is so easy to become victim to the system. The routine is so mundane that I forget my purpose. I forget my God. I forget. Keep me in your prayers. Keep those like me in your prayers.
Realize while you pray that I am completely aware of what I SHOULD be doing. Know that I am battling a demon bigger than that. It’s all fine and dandy until the demon comes to your front door and asks to come in. You have all the answers until your faith is truly put to the test…and you fail. Like, how do I overcome this?
I can be transparent about this for one reason and one reason only. I refuse to be a hypocrite. I don’t like it at all. So admitting my flaw, to me, is the first step in conquering it. This will be a process. This is a battle that I already know I will win. I just don't know exactly how. Thank you for taking the journey with me.
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